Dear Shquita,

I’m sorry it’s taken so long to send you this letter… I still can’t believe you’re gone. I never got a chance to say goodbye to you. For the past year I’ve thought about our last conversations and interactions. So many words & feelings that seem so unimportant and stupid now. Anger is such a useless tool to fix a broken situation between two people. I miss your silliness and the way your energy lit up any room when you entered. Your outer beauty had people captivated at 1st sight. Your eyes would melt the hardest of exteriors. Your touch would turn coal into diamonds. I miss the good times we shared, and trash all the bad.

I hope you can see and hear me from above when I say, I’m sorry… I truly want to apologize for not being the Man today that you needed in 2008… I was afraid to tell you that I was hiding some brokenness in me. I was a good provider, but not a good giver. I was a good worker, but not a good helper. I had masculinity, but very little humility. I wish you could have witnessed my metamorphosis since we broke up over the years. I think we were both in denial back then about our disabilities and more concerned with our slowly eroding capabilities. Our daughter’s preservation and development should have outweighed our disagreements and faults. I miss you Squeak… Our Daughter is devastated with your passing. She was truly broken and in a deep depression after you passed on 12/24/21. She wasn’t told until Christmas Day/her Birthday that you were gone. Those special days will never look or feel the same for her. I am trying every day to figure out how to pick up the pieces.

I truly hope you like the final resting place I selected for your earthly vessel. The sun will always rise and set on your grave without obstruction. You’re still number #1 in her heart Squeak!!! Her heart beats but is lonely without your heart echoing Her’s. Oh GOD Squeak… I’m scared! You’ve spoken to me since you passed in my dreams, so please talk to her. I try to wait and cry sometimes after she’s gone to sleep at night, because I don’t want to show weakness… You’re not here to tell me her triggers, so I’m left alone to raise our little girl. She misses you so much! She’s tried to take her life twice since she’s been with me, not because I’ve hurt her, and not because she’s weak. She’s very strong, but she just thinks that suicide is a quicker way back to you, her mother. She’s mad at GOD because HE didn’t save you after she prayed for HIM to heal you. Please comfort her if and when you can. Maybe your voice could be heard over a familiar song in a special way, or she could feel your touch in the sunlight that would ease her day.

I’ve asked the FATHER to equip me with everything I need to carry out this task of raising her. I’m a man in American raising our child alone, and there is no safety net for us. I’m not fearful though, because I know that GOD is ever present. I promise to protect her with my life Squeak. I promise to finish the job of making her a Proverbs 31 woman. Thank you for allowing me to be involved in her life in the beginning, the baby shower, in the delivery room, to cut the umbilical cord, to see her first, to name her, and for giving her my last name. You gave me a chance at legacy with her, and I’ll always appreciate that. Thank you so very much! I love you from here to the heavens. Please encourage our baby that you’re okay and to finish this thing called life strong. My life is no longer mine and yours is with eternity, but you’re still her Mama Squeak. “A Mommies Novel” is officially dedicated to you and hopefully our daughter can tell your story someday. She can let this world know how much you meant to her, and how she misses your presence immensely. Rest in Heaven….

Yours Sincerely,